


My Fault

by shippingismylife321



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Angst, Dependency Issues, Flashbacks, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internal Conflict, M/M, Maybe fluff, Pining Michael, Prompt Fic, Self-Blame, Self-Esteem Issues, Takes place after the play, Voices in my Head doesn't happen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-22
Updated: 2019-08-21
Packaged: 2020-09-23 19:02:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20345128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shippingismylife321/pseuds/shippingismylife321
Summary: 'What if it was my fault?' Michael thought to himself looking down at Jeremy who was still asleep in his hospital bed. 'I had to have pushed him somehow. Why else would he feel the need to eat a damn supercomputer?' Michael took off his glasses trying to stop the tears that were building in his eyes.orMichael reflects on what he might've done to push Jeremy into getting the Squip





	My Fault

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to give a huge thanks to BeanQueen who gave me this prompt. This is what they wrote:  
If you want some real internal angst for Michael, you could take a dark reflection of the play. Example: while waiting in the hospital for Jer to (possibly) wake up, he reflects on what elements pushed Jer to get a Squip and his role in it.  
Maybe he *shouldnt have alienated Jer from making other friends. Maybe he *shouldn’t have been so obsessively dependent on being Jeremy’s favorite person. Maybe he shouldn’t have discouraged him from pursuing the things he wanted. Maybe he shouldn’t have risked his health and well-being over a squabble while drunk.  
Obviously it didn’t happen exactly that way, but no one wants to write Michael with character flaws. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!!!

After everything had gone down at the play all of the Squipped kids got taken to the hospital after passing out from their collective screaming match and successfully scaring the living Hell out of everyone in the audience. Everyone besides Jeremy had woken up and Rich and Jake were still stuck in the hospital until further notice.

Michael had walked into the hospital room Jeremy shared with Rich once the doctors had deemed him okay enough for visitors to come and see him.

"Hey, Headphoneth." Rich said when Michael walked into the room. Michael didn't remember Rich having a lisp, but he shrugged it off and sat in the chair that was next to Jeremy's bed and scooted it closer to the bed, but not close enough for people to think they were dating or something like that. 

"Hey, Rich. How are you feeling?" Michael asked his former bully a bit awkwardly since he's never had an actual full conversation with him before that hadn't ended in Michael either getting punched in the face or called an insult.

"I've felt better, but hey, at leatht I'm finally free of that thupercomputer thon of a bitch." Rich replied quite optimistically for someone who had been stuck in a body cast for two weeks.

Michael nodded his head sending Rich a weak smile.

Rich looked around awkwardly like he wanted to say more, but could sense that Michael wanted to be alone with Jeremy. Rich decided to pull the curtain by his bed fully closed so that he could give Michael at least some semblance of privacy with his best friend.

Michael took ahold of Jeremy's limp hand and squeezed it lightly hoping that the small futile attempt would be enough to wake him up. Michael then leaned over and put the hand that wasn't hold Jeremy's under his glasses and attempted to rub the tired look out of his eyes.

'What if it was my fault?' Michael thought to himself looking down at Jeremy who was still asleep in his hospital bed. 'I had to have pushed him somehow. Why else would he feel the need to eat a damn supercomputer?' Michael then took off his glasses with the hand rubbing his eyes trying to stop the tears that were building in his eyes.

'Of course it was.' He thought to himself again 'You've been holding him back for twelve years when he could have easily been off making new friends rather than staying with your dependent ass all the time.' 

Michael remembers when he and Jeremy were around ten years old and he had gotten a phone call from Jeremy who was in hysterics because his mom had just up and left without telling anybody. 

Michael had informed his moms and they were both more than willing to drive him over to Jeremy's house, so that he could comfort his friend in such a hard point in his life.

After Jeremy's mom had left him and his dad alone Jeremy was always convinced that it was all his fault which lowered his self-esteem lower than it already was. Michael was willing to do anything to make Jeremy feel better and he did make him happy most of the time.

Michael put his glasses back on so he could see at least a little more clearly than he had before considering he had silent tears dripping down his face.

The thing was Michael had always known that Jeremy struggled pretty heavily with self-hate, but he had always been terrible at making sure his friend was okay, so he would just try and be gentler and crack more jokes than usual when he noticed that Jeremy was having a particularly bad day.

This whole thing had to have been because Michael can't even be there for his friend to comfort him when he's down. 'You're so pathetic.' Michael thought to himself.

'I even doubted him throughout the whole Squip thing' He realized as he continued to furiously wipe his eyes which was no help at all. 'I'm always discouraging every fucking thing he's ever done which probably only added to his self-hate even more.' 

Oh God and the Halloween party too. 

They had both been drunk and had gotten into a huge argument which still hurt Michael just thinking about it.

'I shouldn't have been so angry especially after drinking alcohol and knowing that Jeremy was drunk too.' Michael mentally scolded himself. 'I am such an idiot. If I hadn't stayed in the bathroom crying all night and having a goddamn panic attack then I could've saved him sooner without taking so long and giving up on him' 

Michael finally took his hands away from his face and looked down at the sleeping teen. 

The sunlight that had been coming in through the curtains shined on Jeremy's hair and face making each loose strand visible to Michael. Michael could also see each freckle that was sprinkled across his face which he would always try to find any constellations that he could make out of them. He even remembered trying to count all of them once when he was trying to fall asleep.

'No wonder he wanted to block me out, to get away from me. My dependent ass can't handle him being with anybody else. I said he was my favorite person and he is, but what if that just showed how lonely I am and how scared I am that he'll leave me alone with everything.' 

Ever since Michael had gotten older his moms started leaving for work more and more often. They weren't bad parents, not at all they loved and cared for their son, but they both had traveling jobs to keep food on the table and a roof over their heads. Michael had always understood that, but it still got lonely especially after Jeremy had started blocking him out.

When you only have one friend for your entire life it gets so hard not to feel so broken when they abandon you. Michael's moms weren't home for the entirety of the incident, so it felt like he had no one and that hurt so bad. 

Michael started frantically scratching at his arms, a habit he had promised to stop after Jeremy learned that Michael had been self-harming. Jeremy had told his moms after that and they had kept sharp objects away from his room, but whenever Michael needed some form of relief he would scratch hard at his arms to desperately make the numb and empty feeling go away. The anxiety he felt thinking about all the things he had done wrong over the years was so overwhelming.

Michael had called Jeremy when he felt like he had to self-harm and Jeremy would always come no matter the time of day, to which Michael was so thankful because he doesn't know where he would be without Jeremy there to help him pick up the pieces. 

Michael knew, he knew that hurting himself was selfish because he was hurting everyone around him, but he didn't know how to talk about it and never had figured it out. Jeremy shouldn't have to put up with him and all the bullshit that he had caused for both of them.

Jeremy got the Squip and it was all his fault. Jeremy hated himself and it was all his fault. Jeremy didn't have any friends and it was all his fault. Jeremy could've died at that Halloween party and that would've been his fault. This whole thing was all his fault and he would never be able to forgive himself.

Michael let go of Jeremy's hand and stood to go and get a drink, so he could escape from his overwhelming thoughts. 

Just as Michael had left the room Jeremy had woken up.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!! I had a lot of fun writing this one. I am open to any constructive criticism or feedback. I may make a second chapter with a fluffy ending depending on what you guys think.


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